“Art is the only way to run away without leaving home”
“Art is the only way to run away without leaving home”
It has been a very long time since I have written. I have been so busy creating a new life for myself and my family. I have reached SOOOO many of my goals and I have gone way further than I ever thought possible. There have been many ups and downs but I am so happy and I can not wait to share everything with all of you. In the past few months I have opened an Ebay store that has been a success and I have been pursuing my art which has also been a success!! Stay tuned to hear about all of the amazing things that have happened and some of the not so amazing things. I can’t wait to share the secrets to my success. I have been learning as I go and I can tell you what has worked and what hasn’t worked. Take a look at some new artwork!!
I have learned a lot about myself over the past couple of months. When I first started this journey, I never dreamed it would help me grow as much as it has. I have shared many personal things on my blog so far. I have really enjoyed being open and honest, but there are still a lot of things I have kept hidden. Hopefully, over the next few weeks I will finally be able to get rid of these skeletons in my closet for good. One thing I have neglected to share with you is I have terrible social anxiety. I have always felt somewhat uncomfortable in crowds of people, but over the past couple of years it has gotten a lot worse. I know it probably sounds a little crazy, but there have been times when I was grocery shopping that as the store would get busy, panic would set in. I have actually left my entire cart of groceries sitting in the middle of an isle all by its lonesome too many times to count. Shopping at the mall doesn’t always go very well for me, and there are certain restaurants I can’t step foot in on a Friday or Saturday night. As I am confessing these things, I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. To prove just how dedicated I am to this journey of becoming a better person, yesterday I stepped completely out of my comfort zone. I actually attended the St. Patricks Day parade in Newport RI, and I stayed the entire time!
I have to be completely honest, the thought of going to this event terrified me! The St. Patricks Day parade here is HUGE!! Literally thousands of people attend and over 2000 people march in it.This parade dates all the way back to 1863. So when I say I stepped out of my comfort zone, I am not exaggerating! The parade was set to start at 11 a.m. so we arrived an hour early with the girls in order to find a prime viewing spot. We were extremely lucky and found a bench to sit on. I have never seen so many people in one place in all of my life. The restaurants and bars opened and starting serving people at 8 a.m.! I have never seen so many drunk people in all of my life either! Maybe I am somewhat sheltered, but this parade was a whole new experience for me!
As people started arriving to watch the parade, I could feel my anxiety brewing. My heart was racing and at times I even felt dizzy. I know I sound like a crazy person, but this was the largest crowd I have ever been in! I actually hid my panic quite well. My girls were having the time of their lives and seeing the smile on their faces made me so happy. My husband walked them up close to the curb so they could have a front row view. I stayed on the bench so I would not be standing in the middle of a huge crowd. Even though I stayed back a little, I am still really proud of myself. This was a huge accomplishment for me. I didn’t have a panic attack. Whenever I started to feel the panic set in, I thought of my kids and how special of a day this was for them. Those thoughts helped me keep calm enough to make it through the entire two hour show! A crazy thing did happen though, about half way through, a woman standing beside the bench fainted! I helped get her to the bench and gave her a juice box while her husband called the ambulance. That whole experience was so surreal for me because usually I am the one who faints in public. Maybe one day I will go more into detail about that. It felt so good to be able to help her. I have been in her shoes many times before, and I knew exactly how to handle the situation. Even better, I didn’t panic at all!
I accomplished so many things yesterday, and even though I can’t say that my social anxiety is cured, I can say that I am one step closer to having LESS social anxiety, and that is huge. This whole experience has empowered me. It has made me realize so many things. I can be a better person. I can be a happier person. I can be a stronger person. I just have to put forth the effort. Who I am now is not the person I have to be. I can improve myself and I will. Being on this road to self-discovery is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
The past week has been a tough one. I have really been missing Josie. I have been thinking about her nonstop since we said goodbye. I realized today how selfish I have been, and I feel so awful about it. I always knew that not having her here with us effected everyone, but I never realized how much until now. My little Lily, who is six, has cried for Josie this week many times. Some things are just impossible for her to understand right now. I have tried my best to comfort her, but my words do not matter. She wants her sister, and I understand.
That is a picture of Josie and I when she was just a couple of months old. I remember being terrified when I was pregnant with her. I was 19 years old. Now that I am older, I can see just how young 19 is. I remember how scared I was of becoming a mother. I wanted her to have the best, and I wasn’t sure if that was me, but something amazing happened the day she was born. I may have only been 19, but I will never forget how naturally being a mother came to me. Everything came so easily. Breastfeeding, soothing her, even the sleepless nights. I knew how to be her mother immediately because I was meant to be her mother. There is not a doubt in my mind, God granted me the wisdom and the patience I needed. And believe me, at 19 I needed both of those things.
I knew once I had Josie that being a mother was the greatest thing I would ever be. A parent has a very special kind of love for their children. It is unconditional and it is undying. I believe that a parents love is the most genuine, most pure form of true love that there is. For a mother, once she begins to grow life in her belly, her life is changed forever. As parents, once you hold your baby in your arms, you know your life will never be the same again, and that is ok because you don’t want it to be. You have never loved anything or anyone in this world so much, and you never will……until you have more children of course. As your family grows, so does your heart and so does your love. I have four daughters now, and I can honestly say that being their mother is my greatest accomplishment in life so far.
I love my children more than life. When they are hurting, I am hurting. There are certain things I can fix, with a Band-Aid or a kiss. Lily wants Josie, and I can’t fix that. Pretty soon, they will all want Josie. They will all have questions, and they will not understand the answers that I give. Even if they can’t understand why things are the way they are, I hope they all understand how much I love them, and why I made the choices I made.
As you all know, I am on a journey of self-discovery. I am searching for myself, among other things. I have vowed to lose weight. I have vowed to explore my artistic abilities, and to write more. Today I am vowing to be the best mother I can possibly be, so my children never have to question my love for them. Don’t get me wrong, I am a pretty awesome mother already. However, I am human so of course there is always room for improvement. It is amazing the things you learn and how much you can grow if you allow yourself to truly self-reflect. This is so hard, but I know that I will come out a better person, mother and wife when I am finished. Thanks for being there guys!
For those of you who don’t know, I have joint custody of my oldest daughter, Josie. She lives in Maryland with her father, step mother, and new little brother. I live in Rhode Island with my husband and three other daughters. Please read the entire story here. We have just returned home after spending eight days with her, and it has been quite an emotional roller coaster for me. Our visit was wonderful yet bittersweet. The time we were able to share with Josie went by entirely too fast, as it always does. I am still recovering from having to say goodbye.
My heart is hurting. There is no other way to put it. Saying goodbye to Josie after the summer and after each holiday is always hard. However, saying goodbye after our 8 days together was even harder. We had an amazing time, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the word, but this visit for me was one of the most difficult we have ever shared. I have this sinking feeling that from here on out my visits with her are going to get more difficult for me. I say for “me” because Josie is well adjusted. She is happy, she does great in school, and she has many friends. As she gets older, she seems more and more unphased by our custody arrangement. Joint-custody is all that she has ever known. I have had so many doubts about our situation over the years. So many times I have questioned my decisions, and so many nights I have cried myself to sleep. I feel beyond blessed to be able to say that even though her living situation has not been normal, Josie IS a normal child, and she is happy. I am happy that she is happy, but my heart is still breaking.
My daughter is growing up. She is no longer the four year old little girl that she was when we first had to move. I can not believe she is ten years old. I feel like all I did was blink and six years went by. For those 8 days that we were in Maryland, I was able to be active in a NEW part of Josie’s life, a part that I usually don’t get to experience because I only have her summers and holidays. Our visit was a brutal reminder of all the moments I have missed out on. The little things are the things that hurt the most. Things other parents probably take for granted. Taking her to and from school everyday. Getting up with her in the mornings. Brushing and braiding her hair. Making sure she is completely ready for her school day. Helping her with her homework everyday after school. (except math, “common core” and I are not friends) I was able to meet her friends from school, and let me say, I am so happy with the kind of ladies she has chosen to surround herself with.
On Friday, she was in the talent show. She preformed a dance with two of her friends. I was able to take her shopping to pick out her dance outfit, and I got the pleasure of doing her hair and getting her ready for the show. You have no idea how much all of this meant to me. Not only being there to support her, but also taking part in preparing her for it. I was an emotional wreck sitting in the audience, but I never let it show. Honestly, I was a wreck before we even left the house. I was so nervous, the talent show was the first school event that I have ever gotten to attend. It was the very first time many parents and teachers got to see “Josies’ mom.” I was so worried of what they would think, and I was scared they would judge me. I spent all day trying to find the perfect thing to wear. Looking back now, getting as worked up as I did seems a little silly. I just wanted to be the best me I could be that night, for her. Does any of this make sense? Please believe me when I say, I was the proudest parent in th crowd that evening. My eyes filled with tears many times, but I did not let them fall. I never wanted that moment to end. I wish I could have stayed there in that moment a little longer, and I wish our week with Josie had gone by a little bit slower. Do you know how much it hurts to have a taste of this wonderful part of her life, then have to walk away? For one week I was finally the mother to her that I have been longing to be. I feel empty now, but I am trying to stay strong because I have to. I don’t have a choice.
Hello my friends! I am finally back and I have so much to share with all of you! It feels like I was gone for months! Let me tell you, it was extremely difficult to not blog while I was in Maryland! I was going through a bit of withdrawal! We had a great visit with Josie, but it really flew by. Time with her always goes so fast, and time without her always goes so slow. We will talk later but right now I need some help!
I finally got a computer! That’s right, no more blogging from an Ipad. (thank goodness) I can’t wait to get back to blogging regularly, and on a laptop at that! Now I have to get my site set up and I literally have no idea where to start. I really would like to get my page looking a little better for everyone. I feel like right now it is hard to navigate. Does anyone have any feedback they could give me on the look of my page right now? I need to make some changes, and I would love your input! After all, you my good people are the ones who read my ramblings! Any layout ideas? Anything I need that I don’t have? I don’t have any “plug-ins.” Do any of you use “plug-ins?” Which ones do you like? Do any of you use “grammarly?” I know what you are thinking! I am clueless! Please help!
On my last day of self-reflection, I wrote a little bit about having joint custody of my oldest daughter and what that has meant for my family. I opened up about living in a different state than her and some of the effects it has had on me. I would love if you read about it here. It was not an easy story for me to share. I found it very difficult to write.
I suppose self-reflection is not meant to be easy, it involves opening certain doors. Doors that I have kept closed for a long time. The responses I have received from all of you have changed my life. I need you to know that your kindness has made a difference, and in this moment I want to thank each and every one of you. I can not believe how much support and love you have all shown me. I feel so blessed that I am able to take this journey with you by my side. Thanks to you, I do not feel alone. Having this blog has already made a huge difference in my life. I am more confident than I have ever been. I am actually growing and changing as a person, for the better. This “self-acceptance” would not have happened without you. Every kind comment you have left me has made me a happier person. Every piece of honest advice you have given me has helped me better my life. Your words of encouragement have given me strength. You have never been judgmental. You have only been genuine and understanding. You are all such amazing human beings. I know I still have quite a ways to go on this journey of mine, but as long as I have you wonderful people here, I know I will somehow come out on top. I wish I could hug all of you.
Please know, I truly mean every word I have typed here. You have had an enormously positive impact on my life. I feel like I can finally face the world, and I have you to thank. Thank you all.
I envy my mother. She is beautiful and successful. She has an amazing career that she loves. Those things are great, but do you want to know what I envy the most? My mother is still friends with the same group of women she surrounded herself with in high school. They are the best of friends. My mom knows the meaning of “life long friends,” and that is a true gift. I often wonder what her secret is. How do you form those special bonds? Why is it so hard for me? What am I doing wrong? I really don’t want to sound pathetic here, but I want a genuine friend more than anything. One thing I am starting to realize as I reflect on my own life is, I NEED a friend.
I am starting to see things a lot clearer than I ever have. For so long I have used all the wrong reasons as excuses for why I have little to no friends. Here is the deal : I am a great friend. Maybe one of the issues I am having is, I want whoever I am friends with to be a great friend to me in return. Is this asking too much? Am I expecting too much? It seems like every time I let someone new into my life, it only leads to disappointment. I feel as though so many of my friendships have been one-sided. I can count on one hand the amount of times I have experienced “true” friendship, and even those relationships were lost.
I have lost so many friendships and I have been let down so many times, it has changed me as a person. I have built a wall around my heart in order to keep others out. I rarely ever allow myself the opportunity to meet new people. When I do meet someone new, I never let them in. I keep them close enough to talk to, but far away enough that I won’t get hurt. I know this is not healthy. I just don’t want to be let down anymore. I want friends and I need friends, but I am afraid.
I want to be a different person, a better person. I feel like we all need friends. We need those special people that we can count on. We need people to laugh with, cry with, and make memories with. I know in my heart that I would be a happier person if I had a real friend. As I continue down this path of self-discovery, I will not only be searching for myself, I will also be searching for a friend. A true friend. A best friend. I will also start trying to break down this wall that I have held up for so long. Does anyone have any advice for me?
What do you do
When you don’t know what to do
When you don’t know what to say
And you don’t know what to think
What do you do
When there is nothing left to do
Nothing left to say
Nothing left to think
What do you do
When there is nothing you can do
Nothing you can say
To stop the pain
Or make it go away
What do you do
When you know exactly what to do
Exactly what to think
Yet you can’t do any of it
Something holds you back
You can see everything happening around you
You watch as it all falls to pieces
And you do nothing
What do you do
Well I am halfway through my 30 days of self-reflection. I figured now would be a great time to give everyone a little update on how my goals are going. If you would like to read my original goal posts click here, and over here.
First let me share my special news! Something amazing has happened! I can not wait to tell all of you!! The Huffington Post wants me to blog on their page! I am not even kidding, this is really happening. Ok…enough of that.. But SERIOUSLY!!!!
BACK TO GOALS…..
GOAL #1- Lose 20 pounds in 6 months and exercise everyday!
I feel like I have been doing so well at achieving this goal! I have been exercising mostly everyday without having fainting! The Wii Fit I bought online has certainly been put to good use. I have been eating healthier and so far I have lost 8 pounds. I am confident I will lose 20 pounds in 6 months. Easy! Not to toot my own horn or anything but…. Beep Beep!
GOAL #2- Get in touch with the local art community and continue to explore my artistic abilities!
I probably have been slacking a bit with this goal…I have shared a couple of my paintings here, and also on Pinterest. Doing that was actually a huge step for me. I have not yet gathered the courage to visit that coffee shop on the corner. You know, the one that hangs local artwork. Maybe that will happen one day. I’ll work on it. In the meantime I will continue to paint!
Trying to write a little everyday has definitely been a great outlet for me. I would like to focus on my blog a little more. I want to make it look more professional. Unfortunately, I will not be able to do that until I buy a computer. Yes my friends, I have been doing all of my blogging on an IPAD ONLY! (GASP) I know it is ridiculous. So it is now time to add GOAL #3.
GOAL #3- Buy a laptop or a computer. Try to improve the look of my blog. Learn what a PLUG IN is and how to use them.
I am sure I will need to hire someone to help me with this goal. It is no secret that I have no idea what I am doing. Say a prayer for me!